Looks like the business Man sat in front of me on the 16.30 from Bristol temple Meads, recently had a phone call with John Barnes!

(and some man called Ben & another called Tom…now I don’t want to belittle Tom or Bens accomplishments*..but did Ben or Tom ever manage Celtic or score a wonder goal against Brazil in 1984..NO They f’ing didn’t ..so I’m not interested in them at all.)

I’m interested in John Barnes.

*the internet says that a Tom Alexander used to own EE mobile phone company and a ben Tompkins runs a techno investment firm.

A Novelist on a radio 4 panel discussion spittingly described my show as:

 ‘an hour of her life she will never get back’.

And this is completely true, yet  it made me sad. I’m trying to think of ways to give her that hour back…but  in the mean time i thought perhaps i could give her readers an Extra hour to make up for it.

so i “acquired” a few of her new novels.

which contains approximately 97,569 words. by my workings it would take me (or a future reader) 1 hour to read 11,988 of her words. so if i was to remove them…it would save a reader 1 hour.

given that Aminatta (the novelist) seemed to not like sex with a water melon i thought i’d remove 11,988 ‘smutty’ words from her novel

there was a lot of filth in that novel

i removed pages 123 & 232 entirely.

THEN i put the depleted novels back on the shelf…

so the next person who buys them, will read it…1 Hour quicker than normal….AN HOUR SAVED.

A whole hour that they could do something else with…an hour that the novelist wasted coming to my show.

i hope this goes someway to make amends.

thank you.

(i regret sharing some precious audio of my father with this programme..i know you can’t read this or are even aware of this dad..but I’m really sorry.)

Cliff richard sang, in Mistletoe And Wine that christmas is a ‘time for giving and a time for getting’

Well. i’ve been to a popular chain of public houses with a bin liner and ‘borrowed’ a shit load of  tomato ketchup. literally filling it right up.

you never know when you may need a bin bag full of free ‘borrowed’ ketchup. happy christmas jesus.

This weekend will be mainly spent working (very Unofficially) at various branches of B&Q in the Devon area. It’s great way to meet new people and a fantastic opportunity to enhance my knowledge of shower units.

Nb. I had to leave my usual London branch after staff became suspicious

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